I walked home (to my tent) alone tonight. Now for everyone concerned, just know that’s so past typical it’s just not worth ruffling your feathers…believe me. I really needed that walk home…to just process life these past few days.

Tonight I felt alive. I mean I really felt like me. It wasn’t because I had showered after 4 days nor was it that I had make-up on nor was it due to the fact I was with likeminded friends. Nope tonight I felt alive because I loved. When I love I feel alive. It wasn’t some deeply spiritual thing where God said love and I immediately obeyed. Rather I had a desire to shut up and listen to someone else beside myself. I listened to their story and their heart…just to learn about them, not fix them nor say something “profound.” Just listening & loving them for who I was learning they were. I had another desire to hug someone…so I did. (It’s amazing what happened when you listen to those inner nudgings.) And though I don’t KNOW them well at all, I stopped to have a glimpse of their time…embracing any potential awkwardness…and there wasn’t any after all. (Satan is a deceiver & I hate him!)

Somehow tonight was different. I really cared DEEPLY about the people I didn’t really know…and I actually wanted to know them and lavish love on them. I was moved from some place WITHIN me that hadn’t been unleashed recently.

I wasn’t loving out my own insecurities to have someone fill my voids.

I wasn’t loving out of the need to please everyone watching (because really no one cares that much.).

I wasn’t loving because that’s what I was suppose to be doing.

Nope. I got the privilege to love just to love. To love because it was the overflow of God’s heart & mine. I loved from the wells within me…the wells filled up by God. And whether or not they knew or not, I was giving something away. Like really genuinely GIVING love. Peacefully. Effortlessly. Loving people.

It’s no brain science nor revelation to me that I feel alive when I love. However I don’t always walk in love for a variety of reasons…like other people. Sometimes I don’t love because it may look crazy, be misunderstood, or even rejected. Others I don’t love because well I can be too focused on myself. Still there are times that I don’t give the fullness of the love within me away because of the fear of abandonment. This is my junk to get over…and in the Name & Power of Jesus, I will get over it so that I am free to love.

And I will not be bound my other peoples’ thoughts about my love. I have permission from Jesus Christ to love INTENSLY. If it makes you uncomfortable, take it up with Him. If the love that pours out of me seems odd…maybe it’s because you don’t truly know love…rather than labeling me as wrong. I am not WRONG to Jesus! If the love I give seems like its so intense and so hard that it causes you to think that there must be a cause in my past that led me to love hard…you’re right & wrong. I love hard because I was created to passionately love…to fiercely love. And the past experience that led me to love hard was NOT some moment of no love, rather that JESUS CHRIST engulfed me & lavished love on me. Since then, I am not & WILL not be the same. Love is my name! Love is my testimony! Love is my story!

I love hard. I love when it doesn’t make sense. I love when its foolish. I love weirdos. I love the likeable. I love…and that’s what is most important. It’s not always about how it looks as much as it is about actually LOVING.

And you can too. You were created to love as well. There is love within you & you were created to give it away! This is the truth. So what holds you back? Is it yourself? Is it others? What is it? Really….think about it. Identify what hold you back and then tell Satan to shove it!

Being on the World Race, more so than not, involves roughing it compared to USA’s standards. It means sleeping on floors, eating greasy foods, going to outhouses, not showering for 3 days or more, wearing a pair of jeans for at least 3 days before them even being remotely dirty, wearing t-shirts & shorts daily, and so on. Looking “cute” is not the priority…and even if it were for some, it’s beyond practical in a daily sense.

Therefore its not uncommon to hear this,

“I just want to look cute.”

I’ve said it. Probably everyone on my team has said it. And I’m sure former Racers have said it. But the other day a dear friend said it to me, not whining, just venting. However it struck me & caused me to think about this desire to look “cute.”

(Taken by Lil)

What does it mean to look cute?

*      A new haircut?

*      A new outfit?

*      Wearin’ some makeup?

*      What does it mean?

And why do I long to be cute?

*      Do I long to fit in?

*      Do I yearn for attention?

*      Do I want to feel pretty?

What is it about?

It’s really all the same as beauty. “

Cute” & “Pretty” can all be substituted for the word BEAUTY.

So what then is beauty?

And why do I ache for beauty?

I was thinking about that the other day & in the midst of asking the question, I answered it too…or rather the answer came to me like a steady conversation between Friends.

“This earthly desire I have, is actually the inner ache to gaze upon the Beauty of the Lord & be transformed!”

So I cried out, “Oh that I might see You & be changed into the beauty You say I am & have.”

                                                                  (taken at Joe's house)

And so I thought…What is The Lord’s beauty?

In Isaiah it says that He was ugly & unattractive. Which is it? Is He delightful & attractive? Or commonly & unnoticeable?

I haven’t yet reconciled this verse with the cry of David in Psalm 27:4, where he says

“One thing I have desired of the Lord,

That will I seek:

That I may dwell in the house of the Lord

All the days of my life,

To behold the beauty of the Lord,

And to inquire in His temple.”

“…his holiness is his beauty (ps. 110: 3 ), his goodness is his beauty (zec. 9:17). The harmony of all his attributes is the beauty of his nature...When with fixedness of thought, and a holy flame of devout affections, we contemplate God’s glorious excellencies, and entertain ourselves with the tokens of his peculiar favour to us, this is the view of the beauty of the Lord…” �"Matthew Henry

David must have tasted & seen the beauty of the Lord, else why would he have desired, ABOVE ALL ELSE, to behold it? And behold is not a mere passing looking. Beholding…is enjoying every moment of the view…not hurrying along as though the subject matter was mundane. David longed to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord. And so do I. It is what I was created to see & know. Therefore I refuse to forfeit my inheritance for mere earthly beauty! When I think about God’s beauty I get tickled like a little child eager to play. Somehow my longing to be beautiful MUST be connected with the Most Beautiful One of all.

Beauty is more than stylish clothes, make up, & painted fingernails. It’s the light that beams from the Throne of God. When that light fills you & changes you…that’s when you become beautiful! Not when you put a new outfit on. So when you want to feel beautiful again, because somewhere in the world you’ve heard or seen the lie, run fast to the throne of Heaven. Run to the glorious goodness of God. And let that light produce true beauty in you. Behold the beauty on the throne. (ps 27:4) Peer though Heaven & get drenched in the beauty you were created to have fill you. This alone will satisfy every longing for cuteness & beauty. For The Lord’s unending beauty will captivate you till all you can desire is to seek, find, & BEHOLD the Lord.

“God passes through the thicket of the world, and wherever his glance falls he turns all things to beauty.”

�"St. John of the cross

Father of Glory, let Your glance fall upon us all once again.

So what have we been doing here in Northern Ireland, besides drinking LOTS & LOTS of tea and swinging in trees?

(free time)

            Well, many things actually. Although we are living at Fisherwick Presybterian Church, we are partnering with a variety of churches in Northern Ireland (which is separate from Ireland…if you didn’t know.) Here is a taste of a few from last week.

     Summer Club AKA Vacation Bible School with Fisherwick. In the mornings from 9am-Noon, we spent time singing, dancing, coloring, having tea & biscuits, and making crafts while we loved on some kids. We learned about some Bible stories and played with the kids. It truly was a delight for me. I have missed being around wee little kids with their purity & gentleness. So I enjoyed them all…even though I was seriously tired.

(taken by Logan Kaynes)

            Mission Week in Ballynahinch. This is probably my favorite part of ministry in N. Ireland because it was so real. Basically 4 churches in the little town work together & rally their youth to outreach to the community. This week was such. Months before the youth applied to lead this week with the supervision of their leaders. They sought the Lord about what He wanted to do, what the theme should be, & how to share the gospel. And then they did it. (Yes, we are talking about 13-19 year olds. They are plum brilliant!) So this year’s theme was “HUNGRY” They were talking each night, at this local community center, on a specific thing youth are hungry for like acceptance, love, happiness, etc. Then we got the privilege to come join the fun. The FIRST night we ended up staying in their prayer room the entire night praying and interceding. Which I firmly believe set the tone for the rest of the nights. Tues-Friday night we’d “walk about the town,” as they say, talking to street kids & inviting them to the community center. Many powerful encounters came out of this.

(the decor that the youth made)

(the prayer room)

While four of us were walking about the town one night, we ran into some street kids trying to break open a stolen keg. Naturally we approached them & just started to talk with them while they waited for their supply to arrive. One guy stood out above them all, so we ended up praying with him, Trev, before we left. Trev had seen hardship after hardship largely due to drugs and alcohol. But we refused to let his walls deter us from sharing the truth with him. While we prayed we just declared God’s love over him & told him that God hadn’t forgotten him. By the end, he was trying to hold back tears. He was the prime example of hungry.

We watched their trade, but beckoned them to come hang out with us back at the community center. They wouldn’t come in but hung out right outside the doors. But the following evenings Trev & his friends came back…and eventually came inside to hear more truth about Jesus! We played play station with Trev & the guys and just loved on them. Trev is definitely someone to keep praying for...that He will surrender to Jesus!

Healing Ministry with Belfast Vineyard Church.

(Come Lord Jesus Come!!)

Each Saturday this church sets up a massive “HEALING” banner in the main square of Belfast. Here they bow down & invite god to come fill them. Then they ask people walking by if thy can pray for them. Its great. Most people pass by, but some stop to talk. And then we get to pray for them…whether its about a physical healing or just something else.

The first Saturday was absolutely fabulous!! I got to talk with 2 guys about Jesus. One was a rough looking guy who had down time for bombings back in the troubled times of N. Ireland. He was great to talk with. Tony & I shared the gospel with him and just talked to him about Jesus. He didn’t “pray a prayer” or anything, but I’m confident that his heart was engaged in thought about his eternal salvation after our convo.

Another guy, was maybe 15, and though his friends didn’t stop to talk, he did. He was sensitive, yet yearning. It was an honor to talk with him about Heaven & hell and Jesus.

This particular ministry was also in my top 3, because it was more relational in the things that really matter.

So that is ONLY SOME of what Northern Ireland has held for us in the way of ministries. We still have a week left of action packed unknowns. Oh this journey with The Lord is great!!!! Thanks for coming with me in blog form!!!

"A Heart Breaking Forth"

(some child-like masterpiece I painted last week...hehe!)

p.s.    Tifanee is deeply loved by me.

“I urge upon you communion with Christ a growing communion. There are curtains to be drawn aside in Christ that we never saw, and new foldings of love in him. I despair that I shall ever win to the far end of that love, there are so many plies in it. Therefore dig deep, and sweat and labor and take pains for him, and set by as much time in the day for him as you can. We will be won in the labor.”

- Samuel Rutherford

This is what really goes on inside my head. I kinda throw this out there with my eyes closed…like a designer displaces his new clothing line or an artist opens his latest art gallery. When you see me staring off into outer space or peering out the train window or gazing through the bus pane, this is where I go…

Oh to see the day when prayer and missions unite…IHOP & AIM together…as Leonard Ravenhill says, “Prayer in its highest form is agonizing soul sweat…when holy passion has ceased to move the intercessors in the Prayer Room, coldness ensues, power is lost, and mortification sets in. The place still looks viable, but it is no longer a birthplace of souls.”

Oh to see missions birthed out of the place of prayer. Sometimes I think we pray and then go…rather than laboring in prayer till the mission is pushed through the birthing canal in prayer instead of  merely conceived. All I see these days and all I know through experience these days is the planning stage of pregnancy…the decision to get off birth control and try to start a new life…thus beginning in prayer or even thinking or saying I will pray…but not remaining there. As if one quick push would birth anything sustainable.

But do we ever check to see if we are pregnant? How foolish and ignorant we are to merely say a sentence or book, for that matter, before the throne of God but then leave uninterested to hear the reply.

When will we get it?

When will we get on the same page as the God we claim to serve?

So often we are still busy planning while God has already wrought conception! And when the labor pains of the actual birth happen, we are confused by the chaos rather than prepared for the new beginnings.

(gwen meharg)

We must get connected to the heart of the Father...connected to the fullness of that which He delights to release in the NOW.

“Fight the thing through on your knees, wrestle in your prayer to God, and win…Do you know what it means to toil in prayer; to labor with painful toil in prayer? Oh, how easily most of us take our praying, how little heart we put into it, and how little it takes out of us, and how little it counts with God, The Mighty men of God, who throughout the centuries have wrought great things by prayer, are the men who have had much painful toil in prayer.” �"R.A. Torrey

WHY DO WE SHRINK BACK FROM LABORING IN PRAYER?

Why do we only push once rather than LABOR?

I think partly because we suppress the God-given ache and anguish that sends us to our knees. We push once to pat ourselves on the back. However we have NOTHING to show for it. We push back the pain we see around us, we shut out the breaking of our hearts because we do not want to experience the ache, the anguish, the pain. We think, “What good would it do to merely feel these things?” We don’t want to cry over the death around us…somehow crying has become useless. We don’t want to feel pain for the score of humans dying from AIDS…afterall what good would crying do. But its this inner ache that sends us to our knees, into travail, into laboring prayer. Its those tears of weeping that remove coldness from our heart & allow us to actually petition God for change until it comes.

For when your heart is involved,

when your engaged & consumed with a matter,

a mere sentence will not suffice!

Laboring, persevering prayer will be your only resolve.

But woe to us whose hearts are unengaged, unmoved, cold, closed up, hardened, walled up…for what will it take to bring us to a place of laboring in prayer before our God? What will it take to share in the fellowship of His sufferings? What will it take to weep & mourn over someone else’s sufferings outside of our own?

“Wrestling in prayer enlists all the capacities of your soul, marshals your deepest holy desire, and by the grace of God uses all the perseverance of your holy determination. You push through a host of difficulties. You push back the heavy, threatening clouds of darkness. You reach beyond the visible and natural to the very throne of God. With all your strength and tenacity, you lay hold of God's grace and power as it becomes a passion of your soul.” �"James Goll

No wonder our generations haven’t seen the like of true spiritual revival…we have it shut up in our bones.

As a team, we sit down EVERYDAY to talk about our days & any issues that we had with each other. We call it “The 10^th Step” or “Feedback.” It’s a time to encourage our teammates in their strengths, as well as call them forth to wholeness & love. So if we see a tendency within a teammate that is an area they can grow to be more like Jesus, we talk to them about it. It’s a safe place, a loving place, a protected place. A place where we come willingly to help ourselves & each other be ALL that God wants for us. It’s challenging AS ALL GET OUT. I mean who wants people calling them out? But though the sword cuts, love heals & strengthens.

Month ONE, I personally received feedback that wasn’t shocking:

“You can be harsh sometimes…”

My team wanted to help me see that, while I may have all the facts right, my method of delivery can be so abrasive that deafens ears. I knew it was true & asked them to help point out moments where they perceive my harshness…so I could also understand what harsh was to others. (Though please note, I didn’t want to hear anything they had to share with me…but they finally got through to me.) So these past few months I’ve been mindful of my harsh words, attitudes, & responses. And have been more and more willing to change…PRAISE JESUS! But no one really knew this but my team!

(i love graffiti art.)

I tell you all this, because Ireland has been a MONTH of Constant Pursuit from God. He is after my heart…and He wants all of it. He never ceases to amaze me at the lengths He will go to speak to me…in a way that I understand.

Day 3 or 4 of being in Belfast, Ireland, the pastor of the church we are staying at comes to have a meeting with our team. He wanted to share the history of the church and country with us, so we would be better prepared for ministry. AND he wanted to pray for all 14 of us individually. (I tell you, I have met few pastors who are willing to give up their time for random strangers…to simply listen to God for them & pray for them. It was inspiring!!) We put some background music on so we wouldn’t have that awkward silence in prayer & listen to him praying for each person.

Meanwhile I was uber excited!!! Excited for faith to be built & stirred. Excited for us all to be encouraged. Excited for some people to have new experiences outside of our mission organization. Excited to hear what God had to say to my teammates & myself. So I was gonna kick back & pray for everyone and just stay focused on Holy Spirit. That is until I heard The Lord whisper,

“Don’t interceed. Just sit with Me. Enjoy Me.”

Oh but I wanted to pray for my teammates and those nervous. I wanted nothing to do with just resting…sitting…enjoying doing nothing but loving God.

I thought,

“Maybe that wasn’t God. Maybe that was just me talking to myself.”

So I tried to pray…but I just felt I couldn’t. I needed to just sit with God. I finally gave into His leading. I sat in the corner, resting my head against the piano with my knees pulled up to my chest. I closed my eyes, pretending that I was really wrapped up in God’s lap, resting my head against His chest breathing in rhyme with My Maker.

Next thing I know, Rev. Derek is in front of me on the floor. (Remember I have met him only twice…He really doesn’t know me AT ALL!) He begins to pray for me. Then he says something like this:

“When I started to pray for you I heard,

‘Gentle Savior, Come bless me.’

The Gentle Savior part was emphasized…

(Forgive me if I’m wrong…)

But He is gentle with you because

most of your life you’ve known Roughness.

Love has been rough-not gentle.

But your Savior is gentle.

Others haven’t overlooked your failures, but He does.

He is gentle & does not condemn you.

And you really are a gentle person…

You have a gentle spirit.

And you long for gentleness.

You want others to approach you gently.

So He comes gently to you.

You are gentle & will minister gentleness to others.

The only reason you do not act gentle

Is because roughness is all you’ve known,

All you’ve been taught.

People have told you to toughen up.

But He calls you to be gentle!

Let that DEFINE you!

Let HIM DEFINE you!

Stop listening to those telling you to

toughen up,

get rough,

get real.

Be gentle!

There is an old story about The Sun & The Wind.

They were in a match to see who could get the man to take off his coat.

The Wind blow wildly & nearly knocked the man over, so he buttoned his coat up tighter.

The Sun came out & warmed up the air, so the man willingly took off his coat.”

Then he prayed a little bit more & was about to get up and leave when he turned and said,

“Read Psalm 131. It speaks of the weaned child & the mother. The thing about the weaned child is that he just sits with the mother. The child cannot give the mother anything. Know that God holds you & embraces you.”

(In His Hands by Gwen Meharg)

Clearly I began to sob at about the 2^nd sentence. This man really doesn’t know me…but The Lord used him to speak truth to me in a way that woke up my inner man & called me forth to my destiny…to live gently; for I was made to be gentle. With a few sweet moments & with words from a loving Believer, The Lord reached into the depths of me�"past all the junk that I’ve setup as protection�"right to the true me. There He brought me out of hiding & cleansed off all the lies as He called me to be who HE created me to be, despite what people (and myself) have said & done.

And if that weren’t enough, He took a step even closer & whispered into my ears that basically I am not crazy. When I hear Him speak…I really am hearing His voice even though it seems so natural. When He was telling me, in the beginning, to simply sit with Him & enjoy Him…I was hearing Him. And He used Rev. Derek to confirm that.

I tell you what, God knows just what I need in order to be free…in order to believe again. And He knows what you need too. Maybe you’ve never had some random stranger come up to you & speak something like this into your life…but I firmly believe it can happen. Ask God to send someone to do you that will speak to you like this. It will blow you away. Then don’t stop praying until it happens.

(Freedom by Gwen Meharg)

As you probably know, I’m not on this J O U R N E Y alone. (Though at times I want to be.) I live in community 24/7…with all women!!! Delightful! I love it. After month 2, we had one of our sisters return home to the states. Now it’s just the 6 of us on the team. Let me introduce you to my family these days.

L’Chaim

is Hebrew meaning “to life.”

We decided that we wanted to be women that bring life everywhere we go. We want to speak life not death…to ourselves, each other, & the world. We were inspired by Jesus’ encounter with the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4. Here Jesus stands before her & offers her everlasting life, His very being. Likewise the women of L.Chaim seek to be a fork in the path before all people…offering them Jesus, offering them life.

Sydney Sample: Fearless Leader

Syd, as I like to call her, is a humble servant who truly seeks to live out the Gospel with actions and then words. She is gentle & embodies gracious compassion for the needy like few I’ve ever known. Her heart and passion for The Body to love in actions & in truth drives her to ooze Jesus at all times. She is an inspiration to us all.

*She has a intendancy to pinch butts.

Rachelle Uribe: Attractor

Rachelle is a ball of fun, laughter, & depth. She never ceases to amaze us at how she can strike up a conversation with the RANDOMEST people at ANY given moment. She is a naturally at those intellectual conversations about Jesus. Her ability to see what God sees blesses our team. Her love for cooking & mothering, also adds to our family!!

*She often laughs so hard tears run down her cheeks.

Lili Mejia: Quiet Worshipper

Lili comes across quiet as times because she is deep in thought & observing the situation, but do not put it past her to burst forth ready to worship. She is a worshipper…always ready to turn others’ gaze upon The Lord. Her insight & caring nature nurtures our team. Seeking & searching The Lord is the desire & delight of her heart, therefore wisdom pour forth from her lips.

*She randomly busts out the Spanish as if it were normal.

Brittany Cox: Faithful Companion

Brittany is wild! Don’t let her calm composure fool you. She will break the silence with insight & wisdom that grows our team. Her longing and hunger for the fullness of God encourages me to not stop hungering. Her spunk & abounding joy is infectious to our team. With Brittany around the adventures are just around the corner. Her friendship is constant which stands as a testimony of Jesus’ friendship with us.

*If you need a piggy back ride, just ask her.

Logan Kaynes: Spontaneous Truth

Not much gets past Logan. She will call you on your lack of transparency as fast as you can blink. And she will continue to pursue you to get honesty. She promotes God’s redemption & grace with every step of her life, which leads her to ooze the love of Jesus on who most deem unlovable. Zeal for abundant life pushes her further & further into the well of God’s heart. Her frankness challenges, convicts, & compels our team to deep depths & higher heights.

*You may randomly find her standing, pointing her toe towards the ground.

We are beyond blessed & challenged by each other! Life with us is truly full of life, laughter, love, & honesty. We have our moments of tiring times, but the good totally out weighs the tense moments. I’m beyond excited to see us grow into more of who God created & dreams us to be. We will bring Kingdom to this world & each other!

We will bring LIFE!

As Micheal Hindes says, “…bringing the fruitfulness of the garden, the KINGDOM, to the barrenness of the earth, the WORLD around you.”

When I was younger…5, 6, 7ish…and things weren’t going the way my little brain thought they should, I’d whine, “That’s not fair!!!”

Maybe my sister didn’t get punished as badly as I did.

Maybe other kids didn’t have to do their homework before going out to play like we did.

Maybe other families gave allowances, but we didn’t.

My constant complaint was “It’s NOT fair!”

To which my mom’s notorious reply was, “Life’s NOT fair!”

Her response quieted my complaining but not the dream of equality within me.  It’s pretty hard to kill a child’s inner dream, for as children we don’t rationalize nor analyze nor justify with cognitive reasoning…we just believe the dream within.

Over the past few weeks this complaint also arose as if I were 5, 6, 7 again.

Maybe a teammate got more internet time than I did.

Maybe another team has an easier or better day of ministry.

Maybe someone was given permission to be late.

The situations I throw the “Its not fair flag.” on are still just as petty as they were 15 years ago. However I really do feel the same level of unfairness. I still see the situation as unfair. The thing that’s really changed is that I merely keep my thoughts to myself. Afterall, it doesn’t seem like things really change. Life continues to be NOT fair…just as my mom said.

But the inner dream is there. I can only cry out, “It’s NOT fair.” if somewhere along the way I’ve tasted & seen fairness. Did my initial dose of fair treatment come from my society & culture of entitlement? Or did fairness originate before then? It had to!!

I keep saying, “It’s NOT fair.” waiting for an answer…one that will satisfy the inner ache. My mom’s answer has proven true, but somewhere within me I still believe that fairness can be obtained. The dream hasn’t died. Hope is still winning. Though the fulfillment is unseen.

So I wonder, is God fair? Does He do things fair?

I can’t answer that based on what I’ve seen nor experienced of God. Rather I must answer the question of God’s fairness based on His character…the essence of who He is.

FAIR means to be “free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice”

*I know that God is free from bias for He shows no partiality. (Gals 2:6, Acts 10:34)

*I know that God is honest for He doesn’t lie. (Num 23:19)

*I know that God is just for He says He is. (1 John 1:9)

Therefore I can firmly say

GOD IS FAIR!

However He is fair & just according to the fullness of truth, that which I don’t always have in mind. He sees things that I don’t. He knows things that I don’t. And maybe the fair is seen on the other side of eternity rather than today. I can say that I know God is fair, I just don’t always understand it.

There are still some kinks in this line of thoughts…some things I still haven’t ironed out. But that’s where I have been & what I’ve been thinking on.

Then last night happened…

We went out to spend time with some homeless people here in Belfast, Northern Ireland. Honestly I had spent all day working & was beyond tired. I really had no words, no brain waves, no happiness. All I wanted to do was go home & sleep. But that wasn’t an option.

We split into groups & went out. Logan, Jennifer Miele, myself, & some locals were together. We spent our evening with 2 different groups of folks on the street. It was the second group that really hit me. The 3 of them had all been on the streets for a variety of time, from 10 years to 8 months. They sat there rolling & smoking cigarettes while we talked.

Honestly I didn’t know what to say to a homeless person. So I tried to ask few questions and listen a bunch. Turns out, they like to talk to me…and really everyone. I spoke mainly with Michael…the 40year old who had been homeless for 10 years. He was drunk and his speech was slurred but we talked anyways. I asked about his family & he said he shouldn’t go round them much because he looked like a tramp. My heart broke. I wanted to give him more than a sandwich. I wanted to fix his situation. In that moment I just wanted to help him not be homeless anymore. But all I could do was listen & love a little.

As we got up to leave, Sam, the man Logan was talking to, started pour out his heart to the entire group. He said, “You ask me if I need anything…yes I do. I need more than shoes. I need more than a sandwich. I need a bed. I need a home.” I nearly lost it…nearly burst into tears right there. He wasn’t being rude. He wasn’t being angry. He was merely honest. He needed home.  He pointed to the puddle of running, dried blood that was in the corner beside him & he said he wanted somewhere safe to live.

(Sam & I hugging)

~Taken by Logan Kaynes

He, too, was crying out, “Its NOT fair.”

Where had he tasted of fairness?

Where had this 50yr old man learned about fairness?

Would he ever see it on this side of eternity?

I don’t know. Questions ran through my head & still do. “Why can’t he get a job, work, & pay rent?”

“Why doesn’t he stay in a shelter?”

“Why don’t homeless people just get sober & clean so that can take care of themselves?”

The questions can go on. I, myself, love the questions. But at some point I have to stop trying to question & just help.

I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know what it all looks like lived out. But I do know that it will cost me something. Helping isn’t always easy or convenient. But it is needed. I am still wrestling through this…asking God how in the world its fair for people to be millionaires & others to be poor. Or how some can have money to vacation yet some not have enough to live.

And as I wrestle I could remain unaffected by it…numb…not allowing myself to cry or be sad about the injustice I see (and probably have contributed to). OR I could allow it to affect me, break me, hurt me, mess me up so much that I can’t see at night.

And you have the same choice.

REMEMBER:

Life’s Not Fair, But God is… in His Time!

We are welcomed to join Him.